new pup in the house

i just got a new puppy in our house. i guess i kinda forgot what that was like...SOMEBODY CATCH HER, SHE'S ABOUT TO PEE!! or the 400 times you say no, stop chewing on the couch, leave that shoe alone, quit biting my toes! it's all worth it for the few minutes when they're not terrorizing you, they are loving you like no other creature on earth will. they don't care if you're rich or poor, black or white, young or old. a dog gives you infinite amounts more love than you can ever give them. go ahead, leave them at home all day. they will still greet you as if you are the most important person in the world. i'll always be a dog guy...just for that reason.

goats get the runs?

like i said, i'm a new goatman, so there are some things that i didn't know. like...GOATS GET THE SQUIRTS!!!...who knew. it's called getting the scours...hmm.  i've heard about the parasite that kills them, and the runs are a part of that, but they can just get the splatters.

now, when i first heard about the scours, i had my own idea of what that would be like for a goat...WRONG!!  it's a highly pressurized dark black stream of shit that blows out about 2 feet, and they don't even bat an eye! if i blew ass like that, i would be down for days. amazing creatures they are.

as long as they don't have them too long, no problem, but in the meantime...get ready for one nasty goat. they look like they've been dipped ass-first into a vat of tar. beautiful...especially when its the friendly ones! EVERYBODY RUUUUNNNNN!!!

mystery meat

i really did not know until recently that "mystery meat" was still being served in our schools. apparently we haven't evolved from the dark ages. i guess they try to pass it off as organically grown soy bean bar-b-que. BULLCORN!!! i think its opossum, or some other unsuspecting furry critter. as a society we must rise against mystery meat and all of its supporters. how can we lead our children down a path of uncertainty? food is a very important part of our youth, and i will not idly stand by and watch our children be bamboozled by the man. we can no longer allow a damn bean to be passed off as beef. if i were a cow, i would be pissed!

what the hell is wrong with people?

as my job requires i spend alot of time with the general public. a good percentage of this time in Wal-Mart stores. ah, i know, we all love going there soooo much. anyway, i was in one of these cattle-herding germ factories the other day and  i happened to notice a somewhat overweight (or so i thought) lady walking down one of the aisles. soon i notice, she isn't overweight, SHE ISN'T WEARING A BRA!!!!  those hammers were swingin' like two monkeys in a banana tree!

this ole gal wasn't sporting a B cup, either...she was rockin some monstrosities that couldn't be contained with your standard retail brassiere! grown men could stand under these things in a rainstorm and not get wet. so stands the question...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

she has to know what this looks like, she has to know children will run screaming from every exit, this type of behavior has to stop! good lord, people, lives are at stake!!

the difference between brown nosing and kissing butt...

depth perception...and big business sucks. not because it employs bad people, just because there are so many levels of management. these half-brain losers are all battling trying to make an impression with the half-brain loser that manages them. instead of doing whats best for business, they do whats best for their own interest. i guess i can't blame them, why how else are they to move up the corporate ladder? hard work? nah, that's too hard.

horn where the sun dont shine

i got into the goat business about 9 months ago and its been a crash course in the life of a goatman. just the other day, i was milling around in the pen with the goats, mending the fence, making sure they're all happy, when WHAM!! RIGHT IN THE A double chow mein noodles!!! that billy goat turned his horn sideways and touched places noone should ever touch...EVER!! it wasn't like on tv where the goat gets a running start, lowers his head and knocks you over...nah. he was just standing there, whipped his head around and touched ole toothless with a horn-spear that i will not soon forget. moral of the story...don't turn your back on a billy goat, even if he is friendly...too friendly.